did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
