At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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