My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
