I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
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