On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
