Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
