I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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