I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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