You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
