Umm I'm too high to move.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
