How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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