I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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