What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
did you just send me my own nude
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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