he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
