Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
