A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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