If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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