Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
