Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
