Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
