what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i wish my penis had a tongue
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
