non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
