Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
