You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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