Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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