I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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