Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
