I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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