I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
