apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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