I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
