im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
