apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
