I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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