I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
