who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
