Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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