Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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