He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
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