wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
NoShamevember. You game?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
