people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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