Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
