id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
