she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
