if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
