mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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