you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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