When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
