evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
