I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
